Parents: A Warning

I know that parents are supposed to know best for their kids, and normally I would never suppose to tell anyone what is right and wrong where their child is concerned, but this time I'm breaking ranks.

When naming your child, I beg you to consider what you do, and not make that decision on a whim, or to take it too lightly.

It will have an impact on them from the very start of their lives, to the last moment. Make the decision with care. Pick the wrong name and other kids will taunt them at school, planting those psychoses that will later affect them well into adulthood.

I should know this as with my name (Lee Penney), I have people confuse it and call me Penney (mainly due to Outlook putting your surname first, but it happened in the school register, despite figuring other people were called Simth, John they seem to have a mental block when faced with Penney, Lee), I have people send me letters calling me Ms because Lee is used for either sex, and I have a name that can be added to almost any word. Particular favourites were UG-Lee, Annoying-Lee and off course Lee the Pee (as in Urine).

Having said that, you have to be really tough to survive school with some names. Please consider carefully before calling your child Sheldon, Maurice, Tarquin, Perry or those of a similar ilk. If you intend them to go to comprehensive school (i.e. a school attended by ordinary folk) you better book them in to a Kung-Fu class at the same time 'cause they is gonna get their butt kicked otherwise. Basically, they better be as hard as nails.

The famous are the worst for bad names (for example, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin calling their new daughter Apple - just imagine the fruit jokes she'll endure - Which variety are you, Granny Smith or Golden Delicious?), but even that pales in comparision to Moon Unit Zappa.

Save your children from pain, pick a decent name, and examine all the possibilities so that they can survive life with at least one less thing to worry about.

I'm off to torture some ants before seeing my therapist now.

1 Comment

  1. Mattias Thorslund

    In some countries (e.g. my native Sweden - I think a Germany also), personal (first and last) names must be approved by the government. This might seem overbearing to some but the idea is that names shouldn't be offensive or cause embarrassment to the bearer.

    Recently rejected names from the Swedish gov't:

    Brunstgnägg ("horny whinny" - sorry): offensive
    Anncoccozz: unsuitable spelling or pronounciation (that's a slippery slope)
    Crakel, Krakel, Asterix: names of someone else's protected works
    Lovejoy: a trademark
    Donadoni: a well-known foreign last name
    Montana: a name that can be mistaken for the name of a post office, railway station or similar, likely to cause confusion

    In other countries (e.g. the US), it seems any name goes. Chastity is one of the weirdest names IMO.

Post a Comment